“Not a Tear Has Shed”

Not a tear has shed
Not a single one
I’m trapped
But I can’t really sit here and tell you it is all that bad

Nothing I do or feel makes sense
I can’t even tell if I care or if I’m trying to reconnect
Out of logic, common knowledge
Of my past
I reconsider
Everything that I’ve done and call myself a quitter
But if quitting led me here to a healthy empty feeling
I’d erase the past if either way you were going to leave me
You deny this, you vilify this
Like the mother home for business storming off to her office
I’m not pulling at your pant leg
I want quality not quantity
But neither is happening so I question should I stay or leave
I slip back into that voice
The one that drove away the people I held so close by choice
I don’t think I have the passion behind it anymore
I’m figuring myself out as I’m typing this score
I have yet to understand
If I’m slightly changed or a new man
If I’m scathed or if I’m polished
If I’m heartless or if I’m honest
If you asked the new faces who I was
And compared their response with the old
Would I be similar in any aspect
Or would I have to stop and backtrack
Would my face appear the same in a comparative set of photos?
If I’m different you can’t hate
You asked for this change in pace
You asked for me to move on and to correct my mental state
You pulled the lever, I protested
You should consider me bested
I have this new attitude it’s like wearing dresses
It’s uncomfortable but I feel like I’m on fire
All eyes on me for a minute I’m desired
Not wanting to do anything but succeed and be a good me
Not in the same way, not in a self deprecating approach
In a way where I push the shackles away and avoid the choke
The fate that I wanted has gone into the dust
I’m relieved but in all honesty I’ve forgotten what is love?
This is what I wanted I am so thankful
But my question is do, or should I be feeling this vengeful?
Should I be concerned or miss the insane?
The question still remains if I am even changed
Or am I buried under this strong suit of armor
Chain mail over my pain.
The warden is temporarily a goner
I don’t know who I am
Seems like every time I’m independent
An identity crisis I suffer a split second
Kill me kill me
Not because I want to die
Just to not think
Accidentally only
This time
I want to disappear not for the fantasy of their tears
But for the sake of just feeling nothing for as long as I’m here
I feel like I’m partway there but not really

Again is this okay, am I just healing?
There’s work I need to do but the rhymes grab me
I just want to cry not because I’m sad I’m just in need
Of confirmation that I have emotion underneath this ocean
I’ve conveniently used to form the notion
That I’m better
Like I snapped out of it with change
But regardless of the truth that has to be on the front page
Because I’m always right, even if the results I fabricate
Even if I suffer, this new me must appear great
For the sake of my loved ones and those who did me wrong
For the sake of creating a single a note in a fight song
For the sake of proving I made it out alive
Is it proving or am I just humiliated that I lost inside?

I need to end this
Have I figured it out?
The questions outweigh the statements in these words that I spit out
I miss my listener in the chair across the room
But I am so afraid of doing anything besides the new
I am so afraid of falling back I say
while my feet are nailed in place
I feel safe
But I know I must remain strong
Logically common knowledgeably
Scientifically robotically methodically

I know I am strong

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